Nigel and Tara Get Married

“Ladies and gentlemen. It is an honour for me to be standing here, giving my blessing to the marriage of Nigel and Tara. Although we only met last week, Nigel is an excellent fellow, and his kindness in tipping me an extra £1.09 as he finished breakfast was not only thoughtful, but rounded the bill up nicely for the till. As we cleared up the considerable mess afterwards, Nigel did stay on long enough to tell me a little about himself: how he was born in 1925 to a poor family, his rise to success on the back of his flourishing munitions business, and subsequent shrewd investments in wheel clamping franchises. He is a self made man, and his habit of insisting to reuse his bath towel in this hotel for a solid month during his stay is a testament to the prudence with which he undoubtedly looks after his affairs.

“As for Tara, I was present when they first laid eyes on each other over breakfast this morning. Nigel has an endearing habit of grimacing as he works on an egg, and whether Tara took this as a look of allure or not, it caught her eye enough for her to slip her accompanying guard for the brief minute it took for the proposal to happen. Nigel, to his credit, said an immediate yes to this beautiful woman, ankle tag or no. Love knows no boundaries, and now as we are gathered here today over Zoom, not even the walls of HMP Downview can stand against true love.

I know that there will be some who are cynical about this union, and let me send a message to them. Not every case of a multi-millionaire marrying a young partner is one of exploitation. I searched Wikipedia preparing this speech, and only 93% of cases where such a wealth and age difference is evident has been proven to be for the money. I believe that Nigel and Tara are firmly in that 4% — 3% was TBC — that shows that Cupid’s arrow does indeed fly true in a significant minority of cases.

“Now that the confetti GIFs have been thrown on screen, and the wedding bell background animations have been played, let us all join together and wish this couple every happiness. Nigel will be 107 when Tara becomes eligible for parole, and he says he ‘can’t wait to get it on’, by which I’m sure he means that suit jacket he wants to wear for her release. As for Nigel’s family present here today — I hope you can look past any concerns you have about the lack of prenuptial agreements and alteration of the will, and welcome Tara into your family. Everyone has a chance for reform, and it’s my true belief that the papers did exaggerate the final death toll back in 2015.

“Please charge your glasses and prison mug for the toast. Ladies and gentlemen…your session is about to expire, please upgrade to continue.”